Episode 24: “Into the Lounge!”

 

Okay, onto the topic: Yonder Alonso. A poetic name for a baseball player if there ever was one. His name rolls off the tongue as smoothly as doubles roll off his bat in Petco Park, and that’s what I’m here to talk about: Our new first baseman and his slow ascent to a near .300 batting average.

Alonso started off slow in April (I’ll be switching back and forth between “Yonder” and “Alonso” in referring to him, because both are fun to type. Have I already said how poetic his name is?) and now, after a hundred at-bats, he’s at a .292 average with a .361 OBP and 11 two-basers on his stat line. (If you need to know how impressive that is, it puts him on pace for 55 doubles this season, which would be tied for 19th best of all-time. 67 is the record.)

Along with Edinson Volquez’s sub-3 ERA and the exciting futures of Yasmani Grandal and Brad Boxberger, the haul Josh Byrnes fleeced away in the Latos trade will definitely make our post-John Moores owner think twice before bringing in her* own GM.

And now that we’re five paragraphs in, I can safely mention/hide another of Yonder’s stats. Zero home runs. Up until a week ago, that was a stat reserved for articles talking about Albert Pujols. But now that that’s over, we’re safe to mention it here for Yonder.

We knew Mr. Alonso was more of a pure hitter. We knew he wasn’t necessarily a power hitter. We knew Anthony Rizzo had more HR potential. We knew all this. But if Yolonso can continue raking doubles into the outfield and hitting at a .300/.360 clip, then count me as a supporter of Byrnes choosing @YonderAlonsoU over Anthony Rizzo.

If you want an even more fun comparison, we’re a month into the season and Alonso’s slash line beats Adrian Gonzalez in all three categories.

So, to continue with the royalty metaphor from the headline, Adrian may have been King to Padres fans, but I’m proud to back Prince Yonder’s claim to the throne.

*What’s up, ladies? See how non-sexist I was not automatically using “he” in referring to our next owner? Hit me up on Twitter: @joshelwell

Ep. 22: “Beamer & The Future!”

Beam-Dogg.

In this episode we talk about the ridiculous idea of moving the fences in, how sad we are to be Padres fans right now, the fact that were pretty sure we have two listeners and we dive in to the BEAM-DOGG!

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Enjoy this week’s episode!

Episode 21: “Sixto!”

In this episode we struggle to sound excited or happy about this current Padres team, we talk some Jamie Moyer (the oldest player to ever win a Major League game and it was against the Padres!), we finish Upgrade/Downgrade, hate on the Marlins for a little while and learn all about Sixto! Also, what happened to Britt McHenry?

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Just in time The Kept Faith podcast returns!

All-new song!

All-new segments!

Same dumb hosts!

In episode 20 we play Upgrade/Downgade, draft the official Kept Faith prospect and play This Day in Padres History! Also, Dallas still struggles to start off the podcast in any kind of exciting way!

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Next week we’ll be featuring the Mailbag, so get your questions in by e-mailing them to thekeptfaith@gmail.com or tweet them to @thekeptfaith

LISTEN NOW! We’re 2-7 and you need this.

So far I am one for two with these columns. I had the Giants in 2010 but then went with the odds and picked the Phillies last year. Made sense, but apparently the Cardinals decided all they needed was Prince Albert and a little luck. Even Tony LaRussa realized he got away with one and retired. So, here we go again – I think I nailed it this year.

As always these are my real picks and completely accurate analysis!

THE NATIONAL LEAGUE: Or as I call it, the League of our Fathers.

NL EAST:

- The Phillies lose every home game. The players explain they were distracted by the faint sound of crying in the outfield. Further investigation reveals it was Roy Oswalt crying and throwing up in the Phillie Phanatic costume the whole time.

- The Mets try to trade David Wright for anybody. Just someone. Any ideas, please contact Mets@tradeoffice.geocities.xxx

- The Nationals never even sniff the World Series, but they do lead the league in douchebags, Affliction t-shirts and earrings as it’s reported that Jayson Werth and Bryce Harper are like total besties now.

- The Braves continue to be the most boring team in Baseball.

- The Marlins ask Gloria Estefan to be the all-time batboy and add Nathan Lane as their bench coach. Every time Ozzie Guillen comes out to make a pitching change the three of them Salsa to “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You”. This causes me to buy season tickets.

NL EAST CHAMPS: The Marlins.

NL CENTRAL:

- The Astros try to convince America they exist. After a long investigation its discovered they don’t. Oh, and Oswald acted alone.

- The Reds finally get Baseball to reinstate Pete Rose. In celebration they invite Pete to the home opener where they place him on the mound and light him on fire. As the crowd screams in fear Dusty Baker can be heard from the dugout yelling, “Are you not entertained!!!”

- The Pirates are the only team in history to win 135 games, but tragedy strikes before the playoffs when it’s revealed that Andrew McCutchen is the Predator.

- The Cardinals scramble to try to replace Albert Pujols by trading everybody they have for Ryan Braun. They win 105 games and Ryan Braun throws a perfect game to himself.

- The Brewers ask Bud Selig if they can go back to the AL and be with Prince Fielder again. Selig tries to explain that Prince doesn’t want to be with them anymore, and that they need to move on. The Brewers go into a deep depression that culminates when Cory Hart is found drunk and naked on Prince Fielder’s doorstep yelling, “We had something special you stupid bitch! I love you! I need you, whore!”

- The Cubs get so excited about Theo Epstein they finish the season under .500. When Theo calls a team meeting and asks why they did that, the team stares back blankly. The silence is broken as Geovany Soto tries to quietly eat a potato chip.

NL CENTRAL CHAMPS: The Reds.

NL WEST:

- The Giants finish the season in 4th place, enraging Bruce Bochy who swallows Brandon Belt whole to teach the team a lesson.

- The Diamondbacks are just so close to making it all come together. Again.

- The Rockies take a break from the Baseball this season and put on a revival of ‘Damn Yankees‘ in downtown Denver. Marco Scutaro earns rave reviews for his portrayal of Shoeless Joe. The whole production is invited to Broadway, as the entire show is quickly recast with actual Yankees. The Rockies somberly go back to Colorado and tell their children of that one night when they owned New York!

- The Dodgers excited to finally have a new owner play really really hard. Like really hard, guys. They are really giving it their all out there. So, just take it easy cause things have been pretty difficult, so the fact that their even trying this hard is really impressive.

- The Padres finally trade Orlando Hudson and Jason Bartlett. For each other. This causes a wormhole in the space-time continuum between 2nd and Short. All who slide in to 2nd base are never safe…and never heard from again.

NL WEST CHAMPS: The Diamondbacks.

NL WILD CARD: The Phillies.

NL WILD CARD 2: The Cardinals.

THE AMERICAN LEAGUE: Or, the League of First Base!

AL EAST:

- The Yankees only win 80 games after C.C. Sabathia goes on the DL with what doctors refer to as a ‘weight problem’. Speaking through his translator Hiroki Kuroda described what happened: “Great monster eat everything while screaming ‘WHERE THIS BIG APPLE?’ I cry and hide behind Texeira.”

- The Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine. They lose 136 games.

- The Blue Jays surprise everybody by literally being located in Canada.

- The Orioles continue to bring shame to the best looking stadium in professional sports.

- The Rays change their name to the Miami Rays causing an intense feud between them and absolutely no one.

AL EAST CHAMPS: The Rays.

AL CENTRAL:

- The Indians try to convince the media that the whole ‘Fausto Carmona identity theft’ thing was more just Fausto trying to find himself and less a criminal act. Grady Sizemore was quoted from the DL as saying, “Fausto is Fausto, he just needs to realize that he is that guy and I think the whole team is behind him – him being Fausto.” Somewhere Ricky Henderson feels alive.

- The White Sox have one of the most boring, uninteresting seasons in the history of Baseball; Paul Konerko still hits .285 with 30+ homeruns and over 100 RBI’s but literally no one notices and he’s considered a fantasy sleeper in 2013.

- The Tigers decide that in honor of Prince Fielder’s arrival they’ll all become vegetarians. This lasts for almost three months, but is broken when Jim Leyland starts smoking meat cigarettes.

- The Royals bring up another prospect and get fans interested in the team for the entire month of June. Hooray!

- The Twins lose 93 games due to the fact that they had nothing better to do. Francisco Liriano gets traded to the Yankees in August, gains fifty pounds and loses his left arm in one of C.C. Sabathia’s ‘tirades’.

AL CENTRAL CHAMPS: The Tigers.

AL WEST:

- The Angels have Albert Pujols.

- The Rangers lock Josh Hamilton in a room with nothing but water and fruit whenever he’s not on the field. He figures out how to ferment the fruit and over the course of the season creates the highest grade of alcohol known to man. He never takes one sip. He hits .234 for the season.

- The A’s stockpile as many Cuban players as possible before actually moving to Cuba. They make a movie of this transition called Funny Ball, starring Rob Schneider as Billy Beane and Jonah Hill as himself.

- The Mariners only win 34 games when it’s revealed that Jesus Montero is not Jesus from the New Testament. Chone Figgins loses his mind when he hears the news, as he’s been praying to Montero since spring training started.

AL WEST CHAMPS: The Angels.

AL WILD CARD: The Yankees.

AL WILD CARD 2: The Rangers.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPS: The Phillies.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPS: The Rays.

And in quite possibly the 2nd lowest rated World Series of all-time: The Rays are victorious.

Alright, so there it is. My 2012 MLB Predictions. Are they good picks? Yes, of course they are! I’m a pro at this. And by pro I mean I’m prohibition. I’m an alcoholic.

Here’s to a fantastic Baseball season and here’s to the Padres having a much better 2012!

Keep the Faith,

Dallas.

…BUT all that is sidebar to the real issue this off-season – no one is talking about how awful the Miami Marlins uniforms are!

They might be the most horrific uniforms of all time (and who’s this Player asshole?)! They look like cheap uni’s from a Japanese League team or a Single-A team from Round Rock, Wherever, USA.

Heath Bell is gonna look like a human Clementine. Jose Reyes will look like he spent one too many nights dancing to Gloria Estefan! I know people are like, “Well, it is Miami, and well you know…” And yes, I know. But, this is ridiculous! No one ever watched ‘The Birdcage’ and thought there should be a Professional Baseball team based on the film!

The worst part is the logo:

The colors, the fact that it defies the laws of depth perception and the fact that it looks like something rich people would have hung on their walls in 1983.

AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT! How did Baseball sign off on this? Of all the reasons to fire Bud Selig, I can’t think of  a better one. I never thought it would get worse than the original Devil Rays uniforms, but somehow they did it. Can Baseball just cancel Florida?

People should be more outraged about this, because as this sport is losing fans fast, and I mean FAST, to basketball and football it’s also letting teams design their uniforms based on the color wheel of Easter.

The only positive to this whole ordeal? Now, we don’t have to hide it when we laugh at Ozzie Guillen. He’ll understand.

Beginning in the late 1970’s, the NFL and NBA started to become much more ingrained in society, and rivaled Major League Baseball for world supremacy. College Football had long been a point of pride for most schools and already drew big dollars for their programs and campuses. But, now these hugely celebrated College stars could actually look to the NFL for their own big dollars and “golden tickets” that would set them up for the rest of their lives. This was a huge coo for Colleges and Universities and a huge upside for the NFL, and this is the virus that began eating away at the system. How? Why?

The easiest way to explain this is to look at what the University of Miami (FL) started doing in the 1980’s. Instead of going out and recruiting the top prospects people had heard of, they went to their own local neighborhoods and began recruiting the local superstars that no other Colleges cared about. These kids were cast aside either because of behavioral issues, academic issues or even just the unabashed “rawness” of who they were and how they played. They were the kids who couldn’t afford College and had no hopes of getting in most of the time anyway. So, Miami recruited these kids. Gave them scholarships, gave them ‘incentives’, let them float by on grades, and let them do whatever they wanted on the field – as long as they won. The “U” as it became known, quickly began to dominate College Football and other Institutions around the country took note. But, to completely understand this we need to delve into the other part of this explanation and follow the kids.

Let’s say you were the best High School player at Dade City High, a run down school that no one cares about. No College will look at you though, because no one wants to travel to your neighborhood, your grades are inadequate and your family is on welfare. You are not desirable to a high-class educational institution. But, here comes your local University and they are interested in you and are offering you a full scholarship. But, since you’ve grown up the way you have, you not only want a scholarship, you want something for your family, a sign of good faith. And you’re not an idiot, if the school is willing to basically pay for everything just so you’ll play for them, they have enough money to buy your mom, who rides the bus, a new car. Nothing fancy, just new. It’s illegal for the school to do this, but they have a few things to think about:

1) They want you. You’re good and no one else wants you.

2) If they pass, word will get out that they were down there looking at you and other schools will come recruitin’. Those schools might just take the risk of ‘incentives’ to not only retain your services, but also make the first school who passed on you look bad.

3) They’re already flying under the radar walking your streets, so who is really gonna find out? And the Boosters want a winning team, so money will not be an issue.

For you the player, you’ve asked for this gift for a few reasons:

1) They have the money, and your family needs this.

2) If they pass, you know there is a good chance another school might come calling.

3) What have you got to lose? You didn’t plan on going to College or even being recruited! Now, you have the chance to play for a big time school, get a degree (if you want) and now in this era of big time pro contracts have a shot at a million dollar payday; because if you play great in College the NFL will draft you! And it was all FREE!

All things considered, the school decides to give you the car, “but let’s keep it under wraps” and you are now officially a College Athlete. You get to school, and you make an impact almost immediately. You’re not a superstar yet, but you are on your way. Boosters take notice. The people who remember you from the neighborhood take notice. When you go out to restaurants or clubs everything you order suddenly is ‘taken care of’’. You don’t think anything of it. Why should you? You’re already riding a free train and these are little perks. As you get better, the gifts get better. Not only for you, but for your family too, as the people from the neighborhood start to give them gifts. For a kid who grew up with nothing, suddenly getting everything is pretty wonderful – and knowing you’re a bad knee injury away from it all ending – take everything you can!

(Side note: Just imagine YOU, the reader, has lived for 18 years without anything. You and your family have been dirt poor. Then some rich guy comes along and almost immediately you and your family has whatever they want just as long as you keep doing the thing that YOU’RE really good at. Would you ever question anything? And even if you did think something was a little off, would you care? You’re life is at least for a time infinitely better than it has ever been, so why stop that?)

The school you play for not only did this for you, but for several other players and your team becomes so dominate over the next few years that all the old powerhouses steal your schools recruitment plan and even start stealing your school’s local superstars. The ‘incentives’ get bigger, more expensive and they last much longer.

You’ve made it to NFL draft day and you’re in the top ten. Now, since you decided to leave school early, you have no degree, therefore this football thing better pan out. If it doesn’t you’re screwed. You know this and because while growing up you’ve seen NFL contracts explode you know they have the money. You’re a top ten player and you want to be paid as such – again, you’re one bad knee injury away from it all being over – so they offer you more money than you could imagine and of course you say yes. Now, every kid who grew up in your neighborhood just saw you get millions of dollars for doing something they are also good at. They also know about the scholarships and they know about that free car. So, when schools come calling these kids know exactly what to say, and how can anyone say no?

DISCLAIMER: The “U” is not solely responsible for this; it’s just the most visible and easiest way to explain how EVERY College and University began to operate and how this philosophy began to reshape College athletics. Let me repeat the first part of that last sentence to clear up any confusion: EVERY COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY WORKS THIS WAY. Not only for football but also for basketball, baseball and even hockey. Every school has and will continue to work this way. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS MILLIONS ON THE LINE! Do you think that state of the art cafeteria got built because the Academic League did well? Millions upon millions of dollars are funneled in and out of these schools every year and the majority of those dollars come from sports and they make coaches, athletic directors and deans very wealthy.

When one of these illegal moves becomes public there is always a sense of “How could THEY?” But, the real question is “How could THEY not?” We as a society love College sports and support it almost no matter what. We’re as much to blame as anyone else. How do you think they get the money in the first place? From us, our kids, our loyalties. I’m sure College sports didn’t always operate this way, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Everyone wants a winner and winning costs money.

As I sat in my living room two Saturdays ago and watched my beloved (and disgraced) Buckeyes pull out an underdog (!) win over Wisconsin I was elated. I was excited for the young new coach people were calling a lame duck before the first practice. I was excited that a there’s a QB in Ohio who can actually pass. I was excited for “Boom” Herron, who is trying to rid himself of his past, but mostly I was excited because my team was winning; and I believed that it was a clean win, an honest win, without bought players. But it wasn’t. And neither was your schools or your schools or your schools and they never will be again.

I can’t speak for everyone here at the Kept Faith, but after being embarrassed by the Cardinals in the playoffs for most of the mid-2000′s I am officially throwing support to the Texas Rangers.

I mean come on, LaRussa is a tool, Pujols is actually 45 years old and Matt Holliday is on a steroid detox bigger than Bret Boone in 2006. 

On the other hand: Nolan Ryan is their President, Josh Hamilton unofficially killed a guy and the Rangers have never won a World Series. All of this is a feel good story and they deserveit.So what if George W. used to own the team, we should be cheering for a team that has yet to be there and is fun to watch – GO RANGERS! Give those redbirds hell!

The opinions in this column do not necesarily reflect those of the Kept Faith and are solely those of Dallas.